HUMOR
Willy Wonka’s Tax Preparation Services
New business, same eccentric
Yes, hello? Willy’s Tax Preparation Office. Uh-huh. Oh, I see. Well, I’m sorry to say we don’t schedule appointments over the phone. Everything is done on the website.
No, I’m sorry. If you don’t have a computer, you can always go to the library and use theirs. I know it’s a pandemic, but a library is better than a cry-brary. And no, there’s no chocolates here. Good day.
***
Client: I thought we’d get an extended filing date?
Willy Wonka: No, I’m sorry. The IRS only does that during an outbreak. Second year pandemics don’t get extended file dates, but there is the extension.
Client: Extension?
Willy Wonka: Yes, there’s always been the extension option, even before the extended date. So instead of April 15th, you can file an extension for October 15th. There’s just no July 15th extended date this year, see?
Client: ?
Willy Wonka: Don’t worry. Someone’s getting it. Now let’s see your papers. Oh, no. Not physical papers. You keep those. I mean digital. You did send the PDFs, right? Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you knew.
As a precaution, we aren’t touching client papers. We aren’t touching anything really. Except the mouse and keypad. You do understand. Yes, come back tomorrow, same time, after you send me your papers — digitally, that is. Ta.
***
Well, I don’t know what to tell you. When you make a lot of money, Jim, they take it. Yeah, well, I don’t write tax code. We don’t do that here. We just follow the code.
Yeah, well, if you’re having trouble paying taxes, maybe it’s time to sell the Bentley and that Airstream. When’s the last time you used that thing, anyway?
Yes, that’s correct, state taxes are capped at $10,000. That’s the new law. Look, you can always move to Florida or Texas and rule out state tax completely. But federally, you’ll still have that deduction limit.
Don’t worry. Someone’s getting it. Yes, send me the nightmares, I mean, signatures — digitally of course — and I’ll file it. Goodbye.
***
Oh, hello? No walk-ins, I’m sorry. Yes, but I have an appointment coming in. They must be on their way. They’re in traffic. It’s snowing in LA, can you believe it? No, I can’t schedule appointments in person. You go through our website.
Yes, there are others who work here. I don’t know who they are or ever see them but they’re here, somewhere. No, they’re not Oompa Loompas. That’s at Charlie’s factory.
That’s right. On the website. Go to willystaxpreparationservices.com. Hold the apostrophe. No special characters, only special clients. You’re all very special, to someone, anyway. Not a problem. Chow!
***
Hello? Yes, I ordered the pizzas. I wanted them in smaller boxes, not pizza boxes. My office fridge is of the smaller variety. Well, I can’t take it home with me.
I do taxes, you see. I live in my office. No different from everyone working from home, right? Haha. I do appreciate it.
Oh, and can I get an emailed receipt? We have a no paper touching policy here. Great. Yes, we’re very, very hungry.
When I say chow, it’s not just “goodbye, see you soon,” it’s I’ve literally been at my desk for 12 hours with no food whatsoever. So please, chow. Now!
***
Well, since you’ve blackened out every social security number, I cannot file your return. What do you think ties you to the IRS? You don’t think there’s other Jim Smiths out there?
Hellooo? Jim, are you there? I thought you were a special client, but geez. Yes, send me the ones with your social on there. The IRS, the computer, and myself will be terribly satisfied. There’s a good lad.
***
You have to pay capital gains on the house sale. No, that’s wrong. That only applies to a personal residence.
Margaret, this is investment property. You’ve been renting it for ten years! It’s income producing. I know it’s been a money pit. Homes need maintenance. Yeah, well, those monthly checks from your tenants — that’s money in the bank, isn’t it?
Yes, send me everything. We’ll take every deduction we can get. Remember, this is LA. You’ve made a good amount of profit, even with untaken depreciation. Because of the appreciation!
That’s correct. Well, I don’t know why people live here. It is expensive. I’m not sure why I live here either.
Isn’t this nice? You and I are a lot alike. No, I’m not rolling my eyes. Yes. Escrow papers and all. Everything. Digitally!
***
Charlie, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Look, when I left you the factory and all, I meant for you to make wise financial decisions. When I got into tax preparation, I didn’t get into tax preparation and loans. There are other leeches, I mean people, who do that.
Biden will send the stimulus. He’s said so. Well, maybe not for a while. Whoever said to trust politicians’ promises? Do you know who you’re talking to?
Yes, one from the SBA would be advised. No, not the FDA, the SBA. C’mon, Charlie! Sure, we can always use more chocolate around here. I have trouble keeping my head up as it is. Take care, kid.
